Nakakasakit na Pagbati

photo courtesy: mothervampire.tumblr.com

It has been 3 days since the exam results have been released and the pain still strikes everytime someone congratulates me. Because after all, there's someone who also deserves to pass and and be mentioned on the list of board passers...that's Erwin.

Friday, that was the day na di ko kailanman makakalimutan

September 7 - a day before the celebration of Mama Mary's birthday.

Since Friday yun, we decided to attend the mass in Quiapo. We usually spend an hour every friday to attend or just visit the Black Nazarene since the start of the refresher course. And during that very day, sobrang dami ng tao sa Quiapo na di na kami makapasok so we decided na sa San Sebastian na lang mag simba. Kaming dalawa nalng ni Erwin noon dahil nagsipag uwian na ang mga kasama naming reviewees.

Natapos ang misa at nanatili kami sa loob ng simbahan for the "holy hour". Yun ang pinaka matinding novena na nasamahan ko. Di ko mapigil ang luha ko sa paghingi ng tawad ko kay Jesus. Even the novena leader was crying herself. Pansin ko rin sa mga sandaling iyon ang pag tangis ni Erwin. Noonpaman alam ko na ang desire ni Erwin na pumasa. Ako nama'y tanggap na kung anuman ang magiging resulta, gusto ko kasing magshift ng career kasi di ko naman talaga masyadong gusto ang trabaho ng GE.

Noo'y hinihintay namin ang results ng board exam for 2 days na. Lahat kami ay kabado sa magiging resulta. At gayunpaman, ang tanging dasal ko noon ay ipagkaloob Niya sa amin ang positibong resulta ng pagsusulit. Punong-puno ng luha ang panyo ko noon. Sa katapusan ng novena, kinalma ko na ang aking sarili at pinaubaya na ang lahat sa Panginoon. Nagbago ang hiling ko. Ang nais ko'y matanggap nila Nanay at Tatay kung anuman ang magging resulta ng exam.

Pagka labas na pagka labas namin sa simbahan ay sya namang pag tawag sa akin ni Kiko. Sinasabing may result na daw. Isa-isa nya kong tinanong ng mga pangalan ng kasama kong nag take. Si Karen - meron, si Martin - meron, si Karla - meron, si Maryjean - meron... ang tanging wala sa listahan ay si Erwin. Katabi ko noon si Erwin habang naglalakad. Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko sa mga naririnig ko. "Titingnan nlng din namin sa internet Kiks", wika ko.

Di ko maipaliwanag ang sakit na naramdaman ko habang nakaharap sa computer. Katabi ko si Erwin sa internet shop, habang binabasa namin ang listahan ng mga pasado sa exam, at wala nga ang pangalan niya. Nakaharap man ako sa computer ang diwa at isip ko nama'y naglalakbay, nagtatanong, bakit? Anong nangyayari?

Animo'y kinukurot ang puso ko sa pag iyak ni Erwin. Di ko rin mapigilan ang pag daloy ng mga luha ko. Kapwa kaming humihikbi sa loob ng internet shop. Iilan lang din naman ang tao sa loob, at kung marami man, di ko pa rin mappigilan ang pagluha ko. Lalo na ng mabasa ko ang mensahe ni Erwin sa instructor namin, "I'm so sorry mam, I failed" sabay hikbi. Lalo pa siyang lumuha nang sinabi ni Mam na dont worry, "alam namin ang capabilidad mo, di magbabago ang pagtingin namin sa yo, proud pa rin ako sayo".

Umuwi kami ng bahay nang walang imikan. Di ko malaman kung ano ang sasabihin ko kay Erwin..Tumawag uli si Kiko at sinabing bibisita daw siya sa amin.

Nag inom kami hanggang alas 3 ng madaling araw. Noon ko rin napatunayan yung mga tunay na kaibigang maasahan mo sa lahat ng oras. Nang matapos ay hinatid ko sina Kiko sa kalsada, si Erwin nama'y umakyat na sa taas.

Nang makaalis na sina Kiko ay umakyat na rin ako at bumungad sa may hagdan si Erwin na nakaluhod at umiiyak. Madilim noon at ang tanging ilaw na nagpaliwanag sa buong silid ay ang kandilang ginagamit namin sa pag rrosaryo noong buo pa kami, noong magkasama pa kaming lahat ng reviewees. Di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko sa tanawing iyon. Ang aking kapatid na sobrang masayahin, the ever-strong, ang laging faithful at relihiyoso samin,-- ay umiiyak -- tumatangis at nagtatanong sa Panginoon.

Nagrosaryo kaming dalawa na ang mga salita'y halos di na maintindihan dahil sa pag tangis.

Dati, before sa rosary, si Erwin ay magsasabi ng aming mga petitions, thanksgiving, at praise kay God. May mga pagkkataon ding sa kanyang pagsasalita'y umiiyak siya sa desire na pumasa kaming lahat...Ngunit ngayon, puro luha at hagolgol ang narinig ko sa kanya.

Natapos ang rosaryo naming dalwa habang ang isip nami'y kapwa nagtatanong. Ganito ka ba ka harsh, Lord?

Sa lahat lahat, ako ang taong pinakamakakaramdam ng dusa ni Erwin. Kaya nararamdam kong mas matindi nga ang sakit kaysa mga praise at greetings.

Am I ready?

Upon the start of a new chapter, one has to leave the previous chapter. Sad to say, I have to leave the group I was with for whole summer of 2012. Some of them will also be leaving to start a new career (Allen shall be trying his luck in applying for a job abroad).

For more than a month (that was April 28-June 1), I have stayed in Sta Rosa, Laguna and bonded with the same people I was with during the months of March and April. Fortunately, this project seemed less stressful to me as compared to the previous projects I have handled...(though I know it's not the case for Machele, for she'll be blacklisted in all government-funded projects if she fails to finish this whole thing by the end of June).

I just let myself taste the goodness of life, and didn't let myself worry over any issue that arose in the field for the past one month. Here, I was able to give more time for myself - to jog, to mingle with friends through facebook, and phone-called those whom I haven't contacted for so long. 

I was also the one who chose the house where the team would stay, and of course, I chose the best one. Hehe. I chose the the composition of the team I was with and took every opportunity to find comfort. Besides, I was really supposed to go back home for a leave to relax. It's just that I needed to help Machele handle one of her project area, so here I am, standing as a true friend in need. Hehe.

The month of June had just come, and the review month has commenced. This marks the beginning of a 3-month journey towards the light, the cross road that will lead me to where God would really want me to be. Hooooh. Erwin had just said, "if we fail this, then maybe this profession is not for us." I just hope that those words came from a certain enlightening from above, and not just a mere outburst of thoughts from a bewildered mind. Hehe. (He, himself has not been so sure if he really loves this profession and just want to try this out.)

3 months of memorization, problem-solving and reading. I just hope I'm strong enough to resist one of the 7 deadly sins of man - laziness or sloth.

I'm praying that God will ready my heart for whatever that will come through this whole 3-month journey.

Amen.

Is it vanity?

A year.

It took just one year for me to visit Bayombong, once again. I guess that's  just it. Guess it's just meant to be. For me to spend my March-April days in Bayombong. That has been the pattern for 3 consecutive years. Thankful as I am, for I don't have to pay for my fare just to see my old friends and colleagues in town. Sadly, the last year that I have been here, I didn't get to spend more time with them. That was then the time, the first time that I handled a team. I was so stressed and worried over what will happen to the project I'm tasked to handle that my eyes were only set on the computer, ignoring my Kuya Larry and Ate Lhen. 

Since then, I promised to make up for them and planned to return and pay them a visit without carrying a burden with me, that means visiting specifically for vacation and not for work. Unfortunately though, once again the project that we had last year, failed. And needed some points to be added and observed in the area. That left me forfeiting the objective that I just made. Now, I'm here struggling the demands of the job and inserting efforts to make up for the moments I should have had with Kuya and Ate last year.

One comment that strikes me in the face though, is that my good old friends all say that I grew a way way older than I'm supposed to.

The first one who commented on the way I look was Philip, our driver and my kumpare as we were driving on our way to Bayombong. "Mukhang nag mature ka na nga dito pards ano. Last year, nung magkasama kayo ni Mam Lala, totoy na totoy ka lang nun." I took it as a compliment, that is with the way I carry myself.

PHOTO 1: Pareng Philip and I, taking a pose in Ambuklao Dam.

Now, my Kuya Larry and Ate Lhen claimed that my hair in the forehead is thinning and  that I really looked older., "Anong nangyari sa'yo Arwin? ang tanda tanda mo nang tingnan. Ang panget mo na... Di ka naman ganyan last year." To that I was caught off-guard.

And wait, there's more. One of the youngsters who went with me when I climbe Bangan hill during Lent, asked Ate Lhen who the hell I am. She can't recognize me and was really hesitant to greet me. And just the same, she said I just looked older.."Si Kuya Arwin ba yan? parang hindi. And mature na."

Finally, I looked at the mirror and saw what they are describing. They're perfectly right. I got thinning hair and got a number of fine lines in the forehead. Oh God I just so hate it.

I realized I really haven't given myself more attention than I had a couple of years ago. 
I used to have a vanity kit with me. But now, my job just got worse, spending hours and hours of work. Staying late at night even til dawn at around 2 in the morning. Bad thing is, you still have to wake up early for the field men's work assignments. It has been the routine for the 3 projects that I was connected with for the last 6 months. If you'll come to think of it, it's even worse than working in a call center. Imagine working from 8AM to 2 AM. While the call center job requires you just about 8-10 hours from Monday to Friday, here you have to work your butt, 24/7, even during holidays, and not to mention the added stress of deadlines and errors intentionally/unintentionally done by the field men.

I guess, now all of these are taking its toll on me. The wrinkles, the dark dead skin, the large pores, the eye bags, the protruding tummy and many more.

Now, is it really vanity when you long for the look that you had before? Yes, I must admit that it is. However, when you know that you're going away from the healthy and good lifestyle that you had before, then I must say that you have to think twice.

I've always loved to live simply. With no worries, and no complicated things to think about. Handling too much stress they say will soon reflect on your appearance and on your health. Now, in the aspect of appearance, it already shows. I'm just hoping that before anything worse can happen to my health, I'd be able to get out and find my real niche in this world. 

Where I could live simply, and at the same time harness the gifts that God has given me.
Sana lang pwede na ko'ng makapag-resign.

PHOTO 2: With Ate Lhen and Kuya Larry. 
( I just look so haggard in this pic)

PHOTO 3: Group picture on the way home.

Ash Wednesday 2012

Two payrolls have passed...that's just how I'm counting the days that passed. It has been this way while on field work. You really can't even remember it's Sunday since we don't have any break, say a weekend. And just when you feel there's no stopping of the work that you're doing, you'd realize the lent is coming,  i'ts Ash Wednesday nah.