TAKING RISKS

Four months ago (that was February 3, 2014), I was offered a job in Saudi Arabia after being interviewed through skype. It was something I never really expected I would get. After which they’ve promised to process the working visa for me to get to Saudi the soonest possible time. The visa came by the third week of May and slowly I started to get less and less interested for the job. I had a hard time considering the pros and cons of working abroad. Will it be worth it?

Although I’ve already processed some papers like my preliminary medical examinations, I was still in doubt that when Erwin told me something like, “The pay is not that good, bro!. It’s not worth it”, I finally informed the agency processing my papers last Monday that I won’t be pushing through with the application.

Realizing however that the opportunity could be somehow an opportunity given to me by God for me to learn more of my profession, to improve myself or something only God knows, I started questioning my decision. After all, the only thing that hold me back from going abroad is actually my debt to my manager who offered 50k during the typhoon Yolanda, of which I know I still could not afford to pay as of the moment.

Just yesterday, my sister gave me back the money I’ve lent her a couple of months ago. This led me into thinking that God is somehow taking control over this decision and I know I have to consider it again. I’ve asked for some signs last night and He answered me this morning. It was in the form a status message from a friend in Facebook (Joy Abigail Cañas). It was the very first status I have read for the day. Unintentionally, I have read it and it says:

Never start to say, “Well, I wonder if He really did speak to me?” Be reckless immediately— totally unrestrained and willing to risk everything— by casting your all upon Him. You do not know when His voice will come to you, but whenever the realization of God comes, even in the faintest way imaginable, be determined to recklessly abandon yourself, surrendering everything to Him.
You will only recognize His voice more clearly through recklessness— being willing to risk your all.

I guess this is the clearest message He gave me in my 27 years of existence on earth. I have to take the job offer. How stupid I was and childish for asking signs when all I have to do is follow His lead and entrust it all to Him. Erwin often says “When you’re in doubt, don’t”. But why do we have to doubt in the first place.

"We step right out with recognition of God in some things, then self-consideration enters our lives and down we go. If you are truly recognizing your Lord, you have no business being concerned about how and where He engineers your circumstances. The things surrounding you are real, but when you look at them you are immediately overwhelmed, and even unable to recognize Jesus. Then comes His rebuke, “. . . why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:31). Let your actual circumstances be what they may, but keep recognizing Jesus, maintaining complete reliance upon Him. If you debate for even one second when God has spoken, it is all over for you." (utmost.org/keep-recognizing-jesus/)

Thank you Lord for helping me out with this decision. Please be with me always. 

Everything I Own

You sheltered me from harm

You kept me warm, you kept me warm

You gave my life to me

You set me free, you set me free

YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO LOVE

What it’s all, what it’s all

YOU NEVER SAID SO MUCH

 but still you showed the way

And I knew from watching you

I never really understand the true meaning of the song “Everything I Own” by Bread not until I noticed the line “you never said so much but still you showed the way”.

I guess this just describes how we were loved by Tatay. He’s not really the type of father who would always tell you, “I love you, son”. And I never heard him speak of those words to us. But his hard work (the literal connotation of that word), is enough to make me feel how he loved us. He just loved us in his own way – the Renato way.

I cannot imagine where he’d get the strength to wake up early and to travel almost 16 km every day on his bicycle. And later spend the rest of the day under the heat of the sun, tilling and cultivating the land of which we do not own. He earns Php 4,000.00 a month from that hard work, barely enough to support the education of 4 siblings, all in college way back then. Out of frustration, some time when he spent the night in the kubo we’ve built inside the university, I heard him screaming (he was drunk back then), I cried in silent then knowing that it’s because of the insufficiency of his earnings.

Now, that we’ve already finished our respective degrees, I am personally the one who is now feeling frustrated for I couldn’t still find a way to fund the surgical removal of his kidney stone. Father had sacrificed so much of his life for us. Although he never mentions of how much he loves us, the hours he spent under the heat, the sweat he sweat for almost 10 years to support our studies is enough proof of his love.

Everyday my heart aches cause I know the pain he feels on his kidney will go on until we can find the means to support the surgery.

But I know I have to give everything I own (like what the song says) just to have him stay with us. 

I'm praying that God will hear our prayer.

(Additional Note: When I researched on the background of the song, I found out that David Gates wrote it for his father.)

Ang Bahay Ni Lola

It’s a brand new year and supposedly a brand new self. I bet most of us have already made a list on the things that we have to change, New Year resolutions, so to say.

But why is it that I still keep on longing to something that has long been gone. Perhaps this is the sad thing about being human. Memories are instilled in our minds, whether it be good or bad, unless you get to acquire amnesia.

I was lying on the foam mattress laid on the bamboo flooring of my Lola’s house. Looking directly at the roof I saw a ray of sun pass through a tiny hole in the rusted galvanized iron sheet.

This has been the house that sheltered eleven siblings, one of whom was my beloved father. Almost two months from the wrecking of the super typhoon Haiyan (locally known as Yolanda) in Leyte, the house somehow withstand the havoc of the typhoon and now is serving me and my family its purpose as we wait for our renovated house to be completed. 

Looking back on my well-kept memories, this house has always been the venue for the Christmas and New Year celebration, way back on the days when the all of the siblings were in good terms with each other. I was reminded of the time when we would have a mini-singing contest and once, Erwin gracefully sang “Paano Ang Puso Ko” by April Boy Regino. That was way back when we were in our pre-school years. Prizes were back then prepared for every game like “Pera o Bayong”, Trip to Jerusalem”, “Paper Dance”, etc. It’s incredibly overwhelming to know that each children of the family are very enthusiastic in participating in every game, including the parents, making it a very fun celebration.

Years later, however, people have changed and so is one of my father’s siblings. Perhaps pride has got into him and he never had attended and entered Lola’s house since then or if in any case we would, you must expect an argument that would result to quarrel. His actions led his children to become aloof to us (cousins). No matter how we convinced them to not get involved in our parents' issues, they (our cousins) gradually ceased in joining the Christmas and New Year Celebration in the house.

Now, with the deafening silence of the lazy Friday afternoon (i.e without electricity), with only the sound of wind breeze in my ears, I come to realize that although Lola’s house has been able to endure quite a number of typhoons and other calamities, it has not defied the force of pride and ego that has been built in the heart of one of its past dwellers. This force was so great that the carrier was able to spatter pieces of it in his other siblings, causing confrontations and arguments that were never settled.

We celebrated the New Year in Lola’s house with only some of my cousins and aunt. We spent the hours waiting for the year to turn with a case of beer while sharing and talking about our lives, our childhood memories, the could-have been’s...and all the what-if’s.

Every year, we always want to grow.

A little taller? Who wouldn’t want that.

A little wiser? Of course, we do love that.

But a little egocentric? Nah! Better choose to be the same good unselfish child of God.

As we make a list of our new year’s resolution, I do hope that what we will change in ourselves would better serve our fellow individuals, much more our own siblings. How I wish things hadn't changed much especially in the heart of my uncle. My Christmas and my New Year celebration could have been so much better for I can never deny the fact that I miss their family...my cousins and him, joining us all, especially in welcoming the New Year.

Celebrating the New Year with Arce, Erwin and Kuya